Death , the only solution.

I feel detached, unattached, emotionless , .... unable to care or love anyone. I feel trapped in this body . I want to be free , free from all these expectations and time lines. Free to be nothing and noone at the same time , free to not love , free to believe that not loving or caring is normal. I will see Sunny in two days , yet i feel nothing for him , I dont feel anything for Mo either or for Swiss. Three men , all three claiming to love me or say so but i feel nothing for them , all three of which know nothing about the other , i'm a monster , an emotionless monster. But they ,  why cant they see .... why are they so blind ? why do they believe me ? am i that good at faking?

my state of mind , ..... i am a terrible terrible judge of character, as a result of which , i'm never sure about anyone in my life ,... so when i meet someone , i dont know if they r genuine or not ....obviously i give everyone the benefit of doubt , although that isnt very wise most of the time, and now it leaves excessively feeble ! unsure , and suspicious of everyone around me .... i feel so hurt so betrayed and yet i dont want to turn into a bitch ,..... i dont want to b.s at EVERYONE around me in case i hurt someone who was genuine. I wish i just didnt care , if only God had either made me street smart or a bitch , one of the two, life wud be so much more satisfying ..... although i'm not so sure now.

so you're getting married , i want to be so happy for you  , and yet i feel my heart breaking , dying a slow death , but i want to be happy for u , its just that now i dont know who to turn to in my moment of despair , u belong to another woman now , if i say out ur name , wont that be a sin? oh gawd why did i have to face this ? i know ill do something ultimately foolish now , u , my best friend , have found ur perfect mate , u sounded so happy when u called me last night , telling me the big news , and u , cud you hear , my heart breaking ?

i fell in love when i was 15. i've been in love with him ever since. i've seen him fall in and out of love with lots of other girls. i am his best friend after all . he knew i had a crush on him when we were kids , i dont know what he thinks now. all i know is , that there is a reason we are both single , we both suck in relationships, nothing ever seems to work out for us. i know he cares about me , i just dont know if its as much as i care about him. i'm too apprehensive about telling him how i feel , even though every waking moment , all i think about is how God would somehow make him fall in love with me . isnt that just being crazy ? i shud just be happy with the fact that he exists, he's somewhere , caring , present , a source of happiness, why do i want / or demand more than that ? i dont even deserve it . it's so silly ,... maybe one day when we are both very very old , i'll tell him , dude i've spent a life time loving you .... have u noticed ?